mr. mostisms are back! and more...

and i'm back! the last week has been a blur. denia, my co-worker (and zambian sister!), took me in in my broke end-of-trip state for the last week i was in lusaka. so sweet. and she took me to all the places in the cut where you could get good deals on stuff, outfits made, etc. it was like lusaka's version of chinatown. except it's "indiantown." lots of indians in lusaka and they own a lot of small businesses. denia and her friend also took me to some bridal showers which are usually called kitchen parties here. one was traditional with lots of drumming. the matron, who is usually hired to sort of entertain the guests, was this big lady who could DANCE! her belly hung down below her crotch, but she was so comfortable with her body! it was refreshing to see a woman comfortable in her skin. she was dancing and pulled up her shirt and started flapping that belly around like it was a scarf she had tied around her waist! i said ok girl git it!! at one point at the next kitchen party, which was more church centered, a lady stood up and said "if you are HIV positive and living with it stand up!" so all these women stood up and started cheering. and they went through this whole affirmation, taking turns speaking on how they were grandmothers and how they take their medication and it's keeping them well, and saying how long they've been living with HIV. in south africa, i read that 40% of the women in the 25-29 year old age group are infected with HIV. it doesn't help that when AIDS first started being identified, the government presented it as a propaganda strategy being used by the west to make africa look destitute and backwards. they said it wasn't a real disease and that since it was a "syndrome" it could be controlled and prevented with good nutrition. denia was telling me that there was this case a while back where the vice president of the african national congress (nelson mandela's party) raped his friend's wife, who he knew to be HIV positive. he thought he could avoid getting it by washing up afterwards. and this was relatively recently; denia thought it happened within the last 10 years or so.

the trip back to the states was something. i had to pay off the lady at the check in desk, at the suggestion of the guy helping me with my bags (i'm sure he got a cut), to avoid paying the $220 fee for checking a third bag (!!). so i gave her $40 and kept it moving. when i got to johannesburg they're asking for a receipt and whatnot. the guy just ended up putting me through but he said they might charge me "again" when i get to london. so i was stressed about that for the flight. i got proposed to by the woman who frisked me at johannesburg airport security. saying she has a brother who is looking for a wife, and am i married? i said oh i'm going back home to the states. she's talkin' 'bout "ok i will tell him." too much. and a black american guy, even after i opened my mouth and asked if he was from the states, asked me if i was south african. interesting. he was the very first black american i met during my entire stay in southern africa! then this white south african guy on the plane started aggressively pushing my seat back up when i was trying to recline it. meanwhile, his seat was fully reclined. he kept doing it every time, so aggressively that i had to tell him about himself and even call for one of the flight attendants! then he's pretending to be asleep. finally he stopped and i reclined. i was talking with the black american guy and he was saying how the white people, especially in south africa, still act like they can just say and do whatever when they see some brown folks. then they hear you don't have an african accent and they wanna act different. pushing in the airport was a problem in general though. grown men pushing me out the way with their suitcases to the point i had to be like "UMM excuse me, you see me standing here in line already don't you??" they're all ohh ok. then they cut in front of the woman behind me. johannesburg is just really violent in general. on the bus back from livingstone i sat next to this zambian guy who was taking classes in south africa. he was telling me that he was in johannesburg recently and saw two bus drivers arguing over passengers. the one who felt like he got cheated out of some passengers pulled out a gun and shot the passengers on the other bus and said, "who ya' gonna drive now?" wow. didn't even make the evening news.

1. some zambianisms: zambians have a lot of very colorful colloquialisms, it's almost like music to hear people talk! here are a few of the popular zambianisms that they use when speaking english:*end sentences with: "...and the what what." *start sentences with: "me i like..." or "me i want..." i love it.*and the ever popular, multi-purpose "aghh," complete with a hand (usually the left) placed on the side of the head. "aghh" may mean any and all of the following, depending of course on intonation, inflection, and pronuncification:
a) that's great!
b) that's bad...
c) i don't know.
d) that was fun!
e) that was NOT fun.
f) my phone died.
g) the car broke down. (a popular one.)
h) i saw an elephant. it was big.
i) i will be late because the elephants are crossing to the river to drink and are blocking the road. there are hundreds and it may take up to an hour.
j) i am drunk.
h) he is DRUNK!
i) there is no __________________________ (insert staple food (cooking oil, mealie meal, tomato, onion) here)
j) there are many termites in the house.
k) there is no electricity.
l) the electricity is back on!
m) there is no water.
n) nshima is delicious.
o) big bessie is gone.
p) big bessie has returned.
q) i was wrong.
r) i was right.
s) i will check on that for you.
t) where did you get that chitenge? (the cloth that women make outfits out of or just wrap around their waist; it's tradition for women to wear a wrap while cooking, cleaning, etc...)
u) how you gonna eat all my vegetables??
2. when people greet you on the street they clap their hands together twice or put a hand to their chest and stop walking for a step while speaking. there is so much sincerity just in that small gesture.

3. and now for another installment of 'isms.' jamesisms have been replaced until further notice by "brazzioisms." brazzio is one of the night guards for the wcs office in feira. his english - not so good. my nyanja - not so good. so we had some pretty interesting conversations. don't worry folks, mr. mostisms are back!

mr. mostisms:
1) mr. most: i want you to teach me to speak american.
me: american? but you already speak english.
mr. most: ahh yes. like that.
2) me: mr. most, you got some peri peri (hot) sauce?
mr. most: ohh you like peri peri?
me: yes.
mr. most: so that's why your mouth is like that.
me: like wh...you know what? don't even wanna know...
3) (commenting on my plain white plastic hoop non-african looking earrings): "ahh tamika you look beautiful in those earrings! you look simply...IN-DI-GE-NOUS."

*debut installment of...brazzioisms!
1) god is loving you long time.
2) after i did some pushs ups:
brazzio: ahh but you are chinese tamika.
me: chinese? what you do you mean?
brazzio: because you are too hard. doing push ups and walking to the market and back to soweto (where we lived in town). very hard. you are chinese caretaker. (i think he meant "karate master" because he sure kicked his leg up in the air from a seated position when saying "caretaker.")
3) me: brazzio i have a mouse in my house.
brazzio: don't worry. this is luangwa. you shouldn't worry. i will eat it.
4) me: do you drink beer brazzio?
brazzio: no beer. better go to church.
5) brazzio: i will come to america to find you. you are my sis-tah. i will swim.
me: but what will you do in america? you have a wife and child!
brazzio: i will be your gardener!
me: i don't have a garden.
brazzio: aghh.

*random quotes:
"you don't drink beer?? ahh. women who don't drink beer...you can't...you just can't understand them! beer. it just makes your brain...SHARP..." - drunk guy on the street
"what are you cooking, boiled potatoes with mayonnaise?" -drunk guy (who has a position it the feira district office) who came knocking on my door on a friday when i was cooking. guess that's what americans must eat! had to kick him out with the quickness.

4. all businesses are required by law to display a photo of president mwanawasa (current president).

5. people here, especially in the rural areas, get malaria an average of 4-5 times per year!

6. when young men here are trying to get at a young woman they give her what is called a "manifesto." two guys on different occassions used this word to refer to it when they were telling me about how they met their fiances. this is when they tell the young lady exactly how they feel and what they will do for her. this happens even before any type of courtship. i said ok more men everywhere should do that! but not just while they're drunk in the club trying to get some play.

7. mambo the ex-poacher: i met mambo in mpanshya chiefdom. very charismatic and quick to laugh. he was a poacher for seven years and stopped in 2000. he was telling us some crazy stories, boy. he once killed two buffaloes with one shot. no good reason not to believe the man either. handsen said he used to be the most notorious poacher in mpanshya. and he used to be some cadet captain - so he has a background in arms training, he's not just some layman who decided to hunt. he told us that the authorities came knocking on his door at "0-1 hours" looking for him one time. know what he did? put on a skirt and snuck out the back, almost in plain view. "techniques," he says, "techniques." another time his brother and friends killed 3 elephants one night. they were discovered and blamed it on mambo. so mr. mambo had to head for cover in lusaka for six months! he was such a good storyteller though, someone needs to put a camera in front of that man. once he and his poaching buddies were standing over a buffalo they had just killed, smoking guns and all. all of a sudden, two shots whizzed past the nose of one of them. mambo says, "you know - i think ed (his cousin who worked for the wildlife authority) is shooting at us." then he went into how he knew it was an ak-47 he was being shot at with and how he had to run zig zag to get away. i asked him what made him stop and he said pressure from the community and tightening of anti-poaching patrols and regulations. now he works at the mission hospital in mpanshya. i also asked how he became a poacher in the first place. he wanted to join the zambian army but one of the captains at the registration pulled him out of line and said "mambo go home and become a poacher." so mambo went into the next line. some other official told him to leave too, for whatever reason. so according to mambo, the zambian army is to thank for turning out one of the nation's most notorious and elusive poachers!

8. some of the people in feira believe that some of the farmers with cattle (which is rare because cattle are expensive to keep compared to other livestock) practice witchcraft in order to have more animals. in the market they'll ask "where did this beef come from," and if it's one of the people they suspect of witchcraft they won't buy the meat!

9. these two little girls stalked me almost all the way from the market one day. i was not in a mood to be tracked that day so i tried to shake her. i would walk fast. then she would walk fast. i started walking S-L-O-W. she pretended to drop her school books until i caught up. i think she just wanted to speak, so finally i was like "do you want to say something?" then one of them opened her notebook and pulled out a test she had gotten a good grade on, all proud to show me. melted my heart and my cranky mood. just wanted some attention...aww...